A good problem to have...

First thing first.  It's a new year.  That John Mayer song is in my head:  Come January, we're frozen inside, making new resolutions a hundred times.   A time to look ahead with optimism. It's our yearly mulligan.  The karmic do-over.  Wipe last year's slate clean and move forward with new resolve.

Last night, new year's eve, we were at a friend's house for dinner.  It was a lovely time.  Games, dinner, friendship. We went 'round the table and proclaimed what we'd like for the new year.  Drink more water! Work less.  Read more.  Be present.  Enjoy each day.  

The thing is, the slate really doesn't get wiped clean.  The past is always with us.  It shapes us, forms our future choices.  Some of us live in the past - maybe it's because it was such a good time, maybe the present isn't such a good time.  Some of us live with regret because of the past.  We can't move past the regret and look ahead.  

And sometimes, the past gives us things we can't wipe clean.  Things we have to live with and can't change.  

Today, new year's day, was a lazy day.  My parent's invited us over.  They were getting together at their house for lunch.  

It's an odd thing. 

Last night, at dinner, all but one friend we were with didn't know about Luther's diagnoses.  At one point, the friend who did know asked if she could bring it up.  I said no.  We were having a good time, a night out without the illness sitting at the table with us.  A normal night.  She asked why I had to think that talking about his illness wasn't normal.  Maybe it should be a part of the "new normal."  

She mentioned she'd asked Luther if she could bring it up and he said fine.  That's Luther.  He's fine with everything.  Maybe I feel more protective.  Let him have these nights where he won't be the one in the wheelchair, where he won't have to be fed. 

Toward the end of the night, she did bring it up to one couple.  The information fell a little flat, a little second of awkward but it was sweet and supportive and the fact more people are praying for Luther is wonderful.

At my parent's, it was nice.  Their friends are people I've known all my life; they've had these friends since high school.  And yet, I had a moment where I felt like Luther was on display.  It was only a moment.  I know the invitation to their house was only done out of love and kindness and because we live three miles away.  

I guess the point is how do we (maybe, really, just me?) deal with this love, this caring?  Sure, I know that sounds silly.   Accept it.  Welcome it.  Stop writing about it.  It's a wonderful "problem" to have.  It IS a good thing and I love my family and friends for wanting to step up and give us their time, their support, their love.

Maybe it's figuring out how to open up my arms and just accept.  On the flips side, figuring out when to say no because I'm not prepared to be in protective mode, not willing to talk about his illness or how I feel.   

New year.  New changes.  New ways to look at life.  Finding balance in our new normal.

To hear the John Mayer song stuck in my head,
click this link --->  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTHCT5jOoZ8 )  It's a sweet song.