Lately, though, it's just trying to get through the day. Not in a bad way - just the regular way. One foot in front of the other.
The thing is, what exactly is "me" time?
I keep saying I want to take a weekend at a hotel and just sleep. To be honest, it's mostly wanting to be by myself.
As much as I love Luther, I want to sleep the night through. Sleep as long as I want. Feed only me.
I think, though, I'd miss Luther too much. I like being with him. As bogged down and robot like as I feel sometimes, I'd rather be with him than not.
Things are good. I'm really tired still and pretty sad these days. I don't want to go out. I don't think it's because of the sad feelings and tiredness. Maybe a little. It's mostly because Luther can't be alone anymore.
A couple times, I've left him for two hours. I've been able to do that before. My "me" time -- I'd leave for a few hours, run around, take some time to myself. The last time I left him alone - this past weekend, I came home and he was sick. Nauseous, anxious. I felt awful. He needed to drink, he needed to eat, he needed the blanket off him. He can't move, What was I thinking?
Writing here feels like homework.
I quit going to the Emily Program. That felt --- like homework? Like too much. Emily Program is the eating disorder place. I know why I'm eating too much! I just have to stop. Either stop or don't, right?
At times, I feel so tired I can't do much. I can't type. I can't talk. I can't make dinner. I don't understand it. I'm therapied out. I take drugs. I go for walks.
Sometimes it's all just too much.
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ReplyDeleteHi there---my heart aches for both of you, but honey, you gotta get some help. I took care of Mama for 28 months. She was bedridden but not as serious as Luther. We tried to get hospice care but were refused by three different ones. The month before she died we finally got approved by a fourth company. And while it wasn't perfect, it was really good nevertheless. They bathed her, changed her bed, brushed her teeth, combed her hair. The greatest thing was that they could stay with Mama for an hour or a little longer so I could buy food, get medicines (her diapers were provided, too--nice to not run out), and even for me to take a nap! Of course, private duty care is out of pocket, but we didn't need that. Would hospice be a viable option for you? I know you are suffering with your burden, and wish to see it lightened in some way.Thinking of and praying for you both.
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