Thursday night - 11:30 pm

It's been 7 weeks since Ed died.  It is so crazy that he's not here anymore.  What a weird, surreal feeling.  I just don't know how to be.  What to do.  My future without him.

I've actually had days where I don't break down every hour.  That feels good.  I talk to Ed a lot.  It's funny, in a way, I look up to the sky - as if he's up in the clouds.  I've asked a couple people what they think happens when someone dies.  It's interesting how many different points of view are out there.  Is he with God?  Does nothing happen?  Someone told me it's too soon for his spirit to have "crossed over" - as if he's in some waiting room, hoping he's on time for his next appointment.

I like to think he's in heaven.  Someone said he's in his version of paradise.  It's so wonderful there, if he were given the chance to come back here, he would not.  That made me happy and sad at the same time.  Haha!  I'd like to think he'd leave paradise to come back and hang out with me a few more days.

I see-saw between memories of Ed.  We didn't really fight, mostly because Ed just rolled with the flow.  I'd try!  He'd just sit back and let me get a little wound up until I returned back to earth.  Then we'd just talk.

The see-saw is more about what could I have done different?  Better?  More?  Smooched him more.  Told him I loved him more.  Remembering the time I got too hyper to go to the State Fair or couldn't go to a party because I was working.  Did he die knowing I loved him so very much?  I guess that's selfish.  Did he die peacefully?  In no pain?  That's the question.

Then I realize it is what it is.  I can't change anything.  So then I start remembering the amazing times.  Our wedding day.  The day we met.  And the day after we met.  :)    The day he moved in.  The day he was diagnosed and how we held each other all night.  I remember the scary stuff we made it through.  The really rough patches we stepped up and faced together.  Our amazing travels and adventures. 

It's now 1:30 a.m.  I wander through the house, tired but not tired.  Thinking way too much.  Sometimes I promise Ed that I'm going to get myself together.   7 weeks since he died.  Is there some timeframe in which emotions subside?  Fade away?  If the emotions fade, do the memories fade, too??

I want to remember everything.  I want to remember his voice.  How his hand felt in mine.  The good times and the not so good.  Everything.  I so wish I'd taken a million more pictures.  Written more about our day to day.  More about Ed.  So I could go back and remember the goofy little things.

It's time for bed.  Hopefully sleep.  I push Ed out of my brain at this time of night or it keeps me awake.  My heart is full of love.  Some part of me is super sad.  I'm scared, grateful, anxious, tired.  The see-saw.

Sweet dreams.