The last post.

It's been five months since Ed died.  Five months today.  At times, I still can't believe he's not here.  How is he gone?  Was it all a bad dream I'll wake up from and he'll be here, so I can still talk to him?  My partner in crime, my best friend.  My husband.  I waited so long for Ed.  How is he gone??

Then I think about the nightmare of ALS.  My tall, healthy husband became a quadriplegic within the space of a few years.  Tube fed.  Bedbound.  Relying on everyone for everything.  It's crazy.  What a wicked disease.

At first, when Ed died, every night I laid in bed, not moving.  It haunted me - and still haunts me - to think of Ed laying there, unable to move.  Never complaining, never angry at the world.  I had enough anger and frustration for the both of us, I guess.

For those first few months, I played every day over and over in my head.  Those last 2 years, especially.  Did I do enough?  Did I love him enough?  What did he think about as he lay there night after night?  Did he know how much he was loved by me, his family, his friends?

My mantra is now "it is what it is."  I can't change the past.  I did my best and even when I didn't, when I couldn't because I was too sad and tired, I did it in love. 

I'm scared for my future.  Without Ed.  He was my cool cucumber, my rock.  Ed gave me security and a place to feel safe.  The thing I realize is because of Ed, what we went through, I do have a better sense of stability on my own.

On our wedding day, Ed said to me there will be a day without him.  And when that day comes and I feel despair, I need to look back on this day and remember the love we shared.  He said he will always be with me.  I believe that is true.  He gave me so many gifts, so much for which I'm grateful.

I  now feel hopeful and sometimes I even feel peaceful.  I was stuck in time with Ed for a couple of years.  Whenever I feel stuck now, I think about how gracious Ed was, how patient and positive he was every single day.  I need to live in that space - in the positive, safe space Ed helped create for me. 

It is time to close the chapter on this blog.  It's time to start a new chapter.