Wednesday, November 27, 2013


I'm stuck.  Tired.  Stuck.

My best guess is I'm navigating through the five stages of grief:

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

 and I'm in denial right now.  

I can't wrap my head around the fact the guy in my life is terminally ill and will suffer a pretty awful life as he dies.  I can't wrap my head around the fact I'll be in caretaker mode.  I AM in caretaker mode right now and it's going to get more intense.  It makes me feel incredibly, incredibly guilty that I even think like this.  

I go to work, I get so tired, I look at customers and think:  I can't even talk to you about this right now.  I want to go home, pull the covers over my head and sleep.

I've always, always been able to rally at work - been able to leave personal stuff behind and focus on work. I can't.  I am drained within hours.  I want to cry.  I feel that pressure behind my eyes.  My throat closes up. I'm a robot.  Well... not really.  A sad robot.

The thing is, in the front of my head, my robot logic part of me knows I'm not the one dying.  The logical part of me says I have to rally - I HAVE TO RALLY - and live.  He's not dead now.  As a matter of fact, he's up, walking, talking, breathing on his own.  Each new day is the best he'll be and I need to grab on to that and hold it, hold him, hold on to what we have right now.  Get unstuck.

I get it.  I really do.  Life's going to move ahead and I have to navigate through all this new territory.  I'm scared I won't be able to live up to what the future brings... but I will.  I just have to figure out how to lift this cloud of sadness, this weight of grief.  If it can't be lifted then at the very least, figure out how to live with it.

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