Sunday, December 6, 2015

apparently I'm on a blog break....

Well - I can't say I've been "present in the moment" of my gratefulness.  I started off with such a bang!!

Lately, though, it's just trying to get through the day.  Not in a bad way - just the regular way.  One foot in front of the other.

People always say to take "me" time. I get that -- if something happens to me, then how do I take care of Luther?

The thing is, what exactly is "me" time?

I keep saying I want to take a weekend at a hotel and just sleep. To be honest, it's mostly wanting to be by myself.

As much as I love Luther, I want to sleep the night through.  Sleep as long as I want.  Feed only me.

I think, though, I'd miss Luther too much.  I like being with him.  As bogged down and robot like as I feel sometimes, I'd rather be with him than not.

Things are good.  I'm really tired still and pretty sad these days.  I don't want to go out.  I don't think it's because of the sad feelings and tiredness.  Maybe a little.  It's mostly because Luther can't be alone anymore.

A couple times, I've left him for two hours.  I've been able to do that before.  My "me" time -- I'd leave for a few hours, run around, take some time to myself.  The last time I left him alone - this past weekend, I came home and he was sick.  Nauseous, anxious.  I felt awful.  He needed to drink, he needed to eat, he needed the blanket off him.  He can't move,  What was I thinking?

Writing here feels like homework.

I quit going to the Emily Program.  That felt --- like homework?  Like too much.  Emily Program is the eating disorder place.  I know why I'm eating too much!  I just have to stop.  Either stop or don't, right?

At times, I feel so tired I can't do much.  I can't type.  I can't talk.  I can't make dinner.  I don't understand it.  I'm therapied out.  I take drugs.  I go for walks.

Sometimes it's all just too much.