Unsure what to call this

3 a.m. and I'm wide awake.

At first I was thinking about how confused I am.  So I googled the definition of confused and it was all about being bewildered, addled or disoriented.  At times, I'm a little bewildered at why Luther is sick.  Sometimes, when I'm trying to cook, I feel disoriented.

But this isn't the feeling I have.  I'm not confused about this situation.

I think I'm stuck.  Maybe uncertain?

un·cer·tain

ˌənˈsərtn/

adjective

1. not able to be relied on; not known or definite.

   "an uncertain future"

   synonyms:

   unknown, debatable, open to question, in doubt, undetermined, unsure, in the balance, up in the air; More

   • (of a person) not completely confident or sure of something.

     "I was uncertain how to proceed"

     synonyms:

     unsure, doubtful, dubious, undecided, irresolute, hesitant, blowing hot and cold, vacillating, vague, unclear, ambivalent, of two minds More

haha!  That might be it:  an uncertain future. Even more though:  "I was uncertain how to proceed."  I think that IS it.

It's a weird feeling.  I've never really been a take charge, have a ten year plan kind of a person. You'd think I'd be prepared for this situation --going with the flow.

This is so so so different.  It's stuck in limbo between planning and not planning.

Luther and I thought we'd live in my little house, keep working, save some dough and live happily ever after.

I'm trying really really hard to stay positive.  To look at the good.  I feel a little stuck in.... not the bad but the in-between.  Like if I don't move, I'll be ok.  If I hide out in the house, nothing can hurt us.  I know this is the most false sense of security.  At times, though, it feels safe.

Time to try to get some sleep.  Even falling asleep feels uncertain.