Sunday, November 23, 2014

Unsure what to call this

3 a.m. and I'm wide awake.

At first I was thinking about how confused I am.  So I googled the definition of confused and it was all about being bewildered, addled or disoriented.  At times, I'm a little bewildered at why Luther is sick.  Sometimes, when I'm trying to cook, I feel disoriented.

But this isn't the feeling I have.  I'm not confused about this situation.

I think I'm stuck.  Maybe uncertain?

  1. not able to be relied on; not known or definite.
    "an uncertain future"
    synonyms:unknowndebatable, open to question, in doubt, undeterminedunsure, in the balance, up in the air; More

haha!  That might be it:  an uncertain future. Even more though:  "I was uncertain how to proceed."  I think that IS it.

It's a weird feeling.  I've never really been a take charge, have a ten year plan kind of a person. You'd think I'd be prepared for this situation --going with the flow.

This is so so so different.  It's stuck in limbo between planning and not planning.

Luther and I thought we'd live in my little house, keep working, save some dough and live happily ever after.

I'm trying really really hard to stay positive.  To look at the good.  I feel a little stuck in.... not the bad but the in-between.  Like if I don't move, I'll be ok.  If I hide out in the house, nothing can hurt us.  I know this is the most false sense of security.  At times, though, it feels safe.

Time to try to get some sleep.  Even falling asleep feels uncertain.


  1. I suppose it all boils down to that whole Buddhist 'live in the present moment' thing. Which frankly, I would probably suck at! I like having things somewhat planned out.

    This was a good insight for you to make.

  2. Hi Liz. Thanks for the message. It is a weird place to be but this has forced both of us to stop and slow down and just (try to) enjoy now.