Well - I can't say I've been "present in the moment" of my gratefulness. I started off with such a bang!!
Lately, though, it's just trying to get through the day. Not in a bad way - just the regular way. One foot in front of the other.
The thing is, what exactly is "me" time?
I keep saying I want to take a weekend at a hotel and just sleep. To be honest, it's mostly wanting to be by myself.
As much as I love Luther, I want to sleep the night through. Sleep as long as I want. Feed only me.
I think, though, I'd miss Luther too much. I like being with him. As bogged down and robot like as I feel sometimes, I'd rather be with him than not.
Things are good. I'm really tired still and pretty sad these days. I don't want to go out. I don't think it's because of the sad feelings and tiredness. Maybe a little. It's mostly because Luther can't be alone anymore.
A couple times, I've left him for two hours. I've been able to do that before. My "me" time -- I'd leave for a few hours, run around, take some time to myself. The last time I left him alone - this past weekend, I came home and he was sick. Nauseous, anxious. I felt awful. He needed to drink, he needed to eat, he needed the blanket off him. He can't move, What was I thinking?
Writing here feels like homework.
I quit going to the Emily Program. That felt --- like homework? Like too much. Emily Program is the eating disorder place. I know why I'm eating too much! I just have to stop. Either stop or don't, right?
At times, I feel so tired I can't do much. I can't type. I can't talk. I can't make dinner. I don't understand it. I'm therapied out. I take drugs. I go for walks.
Sometimes it's all just too much.