Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The value of sitting still

Not much is going on.  I don't write stuff when life is kind of lazy and quiet.  I think it's because it feels like there's nothing in my head.

Which is totally not true.  I get a little restless when things are too quiet.  These days, I always have my nose in the phone or the tv on or am on the computer.

It's like I can't have a quiet moment. I need to occupy my brain every single second.  If left alone with my thoughts for too long, all that stuff starts:  when will Ed die?  what will it be like if/when he can't move?  what will I do for a job?  am I going through menopause?

Life is so weird right now.  We have these long stretches of time, just hanging out.  I was trying to line things up for Ed to do.  He told me to stop.  More and more I realize my expectations of what life "should" look like are forever altered.  I always think we should be doing something.  Anything.  Taking a walk.  Seeing a sight.  Heading someplace.

Ed doesn't really want to do anything.  It's too hard.  He's content being at home, watching tv, getting on to his computer, talking with me. He enjoys his comfort.

I'm realizing the value of just being here with him.  Slowing down.  I'm guessing I'll never have this kind of time on my hands again.

Once I accepted that life looks different and it's ok just to hang out with my husband, I then had to convince friends and family he isn't wasting away in the basement of my parent's home. Most of us are in the "ing" mode.  A verb state, I guess.  Doing, walking, reading, swimming, traveling...  we can't sit and just be.  I feel guilty or lazy or unproductive if I'm not in motion.

It's odd how quickly my brain shifts to the negative

These days, though, I'm getting used to this pace.  Naturally, those demons in my brain wonder what the heck I'll do when I'm required to re-enter the real world.  But I push those thoughts aside.  This is my real world right now.  I'm learning to appreciate this time without those demons screaming out the "shoulds" - you should be reading more!  you should be cleaning the closet!  you should get to the gym!

I'm finally making the shift to realizing this slow time is good.  It allows us to just enjoy each other. How great is that?

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