Thursday, June 23, 2016

Up for the challenge??

I try.  I swear I try to be happy.  I know, I know, I know!  Turn my frown upside down.  Ok wait. See? Gotta run.  I've been summoned.

Ok back.

Perhaps this post comes from lack of sleep over the last two days.  Or menopause - this eternal sweating is making me nuts.  I don't know.  I can't seem to get over this feeling of boredom.  Apathy. Unhappy.

Ed's legs itch to the point he can't sleep.  Which means I don't sleep.  This has happened over the last two nights.  Nights are especially hard.  He gets a little anxious.  Restless.  He upped his night meds and has been sleeping better since March.  Getting 5-6 hours of straight sleep is gold!!

But the last couple nights have been up 'til 4, then back up at 6.  Long days of figuring out why the itch.  Tried Benadryl, cortisone, prescription lotion, some over the counter itch lotion that cost $12.99, warm wet compresses.  Everything provides relief for about 30 minutes and then the itch starts again.

We go to the doctor tomorrow to see what's up. We're wondering if it's coming from the inside - maybe the denervation occurring?  For months, those fasticulations in his legs have been crazy. That's the twitching from muscles trying to connect to nerves but the nerves are dying/dead.

Click on the video below - it's Ed's leg from last year.  You can see the fasticulations.

I told Ed I was tired of being his caregiver and immediately I felt terrible.  What a rotten thing to say. But it's true.  I want to be his wife.  His friend.  The woman he monkeys around with.  I grieve the loss of this relationship.  

Minutes after saying this, I apologized and he told me to put the foot rests up on his wheelchair.  He is laser focused on his little world, on himself, on his comfort.  I get it.  There isn't much else going on. 

I wrote 1000 other things but just deleted it.  

I am grateful for many things.  80% of the time, I'm content.  I do love being here with Ed.  

It's just that the feelings of grief and sadness and frustration come on so strong.  Adjusting to this new life is challenging.  

Most days, I'm up for the challenge.  Tonight, for a moment, I was not.  

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