Friday, September 22, 2017

My heart! Ed died - 9/20/17

Ed died.  He died peacefully, I think, on Wednesday, Sept 20, 2017 at 9:45 p.m.

I wish I could convey how amazing Ed is. I didn't have enough time to know him.  We were together five and a half years.  He was sick for almost 4 years.

Ed crashed in to my life quickly.  How lucky I am he did.  I am so grateful for his love.  My only regret is I didn't know him sooner.

My heart hurts, my body aches to hold his hand one more time.  My brain won't shut off.  
In many ways, I think we were fortunate we had this four years to say goodbye.  It was a really, really tough place to be.Stuck 
in limbo.  Watching him fade away. Walking a line between loving wife and controlling caregiver.   Mostly, though, we got to be together, we lived a few bucket list dreams.  I quit my job 3 years ago and we spent every day together since.

The thought of re-entering the world again is daunting.  Ed was my champion, my best friend, my partner in crime.  He was a loving, supportive husband.  We were a really good team.  I miss him so much.

I know people face death every day.  Ed's son, Ryan, died unexpectedly almost 5 years ago. No time to say goodbye.  No time to wrap his head around his death.

We've had that time.  We traveled, spent time with both our families, reconnected with friends, relatives.  We created really good memories.  

We spent the last year in a nursing home.  In an odd way, it was a safe haven from the world outside. Many times, we both missed having him home.  There were times Ed would wake up alone, in the dark.  Scared.  Unsure where he was.  It broke my heart I wasn't there to reach out and comfort him. We learned to leave on a very bright nightlight.  Sometimes he would call me. Toward the end, he forgot how to make a call.  

Ed is amazing.  So strong.  This last year was tough.  He was a proud man, so smart, so generous and kind.  

I can't write anymore now.  

I love Ed so much and as much as my heart hurts, my heart is filled with love.  Ed gave me that gift.


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