Friday, February 28, 2014

Five a.m. thoughts

This is super super selfish.  But sometimes I want something to be about me between me and him.

For the last year and change, life has handed Luther some pretty rotten things.  His son died in October 2011.  March 2012, we were on vacation.  On the second day, his back went out. He spent the rest of the week in bed.  A month later, he had a heart attack.  Recovery from that was a couple months.

Fast forward to June and then he had this mystery illness that we thought could be:

- rotator cuff
- pinched nerves
- sciatica problems
- back/spine issues
- lyme's disease
- muscular dystrophy

It was six months of testing with one whole month driving back and forth to Mayo trying to figure out what the mystery was.  At the end of that month (October) they would not tell us this was ALS.  Instead, they wanted to call it a protein disorder in the nerves - a chronic inflammation.

My point is, after seven months of living together, my newlywed phase was over.  It's become all about Luther's stuff.

None of this is his fault.  Maybe the heart attack but really - I can't put that on him right now.  It's the stuff, health issues and the giant emotional wrench of his son dying, that has prevented us from doing the kinds of things that would allow us to bond as a couple.

Sure, this "stuff" has bonded us in an extraordinarily different way.   It has become more about caretaking than being a girlfriend.

It's 5:15 a.m.  I wasn't really ready to get up but I had no choice.  Coughing got me up.  He wanted to get dressed.  He doesn't usually get up 'til 6.  I was hoping for 45 more minutes of sleep.  Nope.  He wanted to get dressed.  He flopped back in to bed (after getting dressed).  He needs help getting out of bed.  This seems so minor but did I have to stand there and wait for him to decide to get up?  So I asked him.

No, he said, he'd try to get up on his own.  Right.  So now, I'm here, on the computer, waiting for him to call me.

I'm not particularly tired like I've been in the past.  I'm just... put out.  I know that sounds bitchy.  Most times, MOST times I don't get testy about helping him with the things he cannot do.  Because he cannot do them!  If he just wasn't trying, then I'd get REAL mad.  But he just can't do stuff so it's ok.

Except for this morning.  I wanted him to stay curled up in a warm bed for another 45 minutes and he wouldn't.  He wanted to get dressed and then lie back down.

I"m not angry.  That's too strong.  I'm vexed.  Perplexed.  Irked.  I don't get it.  Isn't that weird?  Such a small thing. And yet, for some reason, it's triggered this post.

I know home health care is getting closer and I suppose some of these things - getting him dressed, helping in the shower - won't be my responsibility all the time

It's weird because these are the things that bond us now.  And they are the things that vex me.  Weird feelings.

No comments:

Post a Comment