I've been thinking a lot about how to explain how I feel. It seems important to make people understand what this is like. And then I think: is it? Does it matter?? Life moves along whether I'm tired or awesome or happy or not.
The fact, too, is that when I tell people I"m tired or feel overwhelmed, there's a knee-jerk reaction to want to fix things. I've done that too -- you want to help. You want to say something or do something to help your friend, the person you love.
Sometimes I just want to be heard. No replies. No fixin'. Not even really heard, though. Understood, maybe?? I don't know.
So here it is. Wait. Do I need a few disclaimers? Each day, I am incredibly grateful for my family, my friends, my work. I am so thankful we get help from the VA. I know I'm lucky in many ways and I feel this, too. It brings me comfort.
So here it is. How I feel inside.
I am tired all the time. Eye twitching, in my bones tired. Even when I sleep enough or it's been an easy day, I'm tired.
My heart is heavy. I am overwhelmed with grief. There's been a level of acceptance and I don't cry, I don't mope around. But it's always, always there.
At times it catches me off guard. It takes my breath away. I'll look at Luther and he'll seem so small. Or he'll reach over in his crab like, awkward way to take my hand. Or my God! He'll be so cool, so un-flustered and so so good to me and I think there's no way I can let him go and the sadness washes over me.
That's it. I am tired and sad and I carry this with me every day. 99% - well... maybe more like 75% of the time - it's just under the surface. I go to work, I hang out with friends, I monkey around with Luther, I function like usual. There are moments, though, I check out. I have to stop, steady myself, come back to the moment at hand.
Tonight is one of those nights. Sad, Tired. The feelings are bubbling over a little. Maybe it's just time for bed?