Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Sort of stuck.

I haven't been here in blog-world, for a while.  I feel like I'm yapping about the same stuff over and over.  It's like therapy.  It feels good to get things out of my head but sometimes it's this giant circle or hamster wheel - turning the same things over and over.

This life - this caregiving life - is hard to explain.  Hard to get people to understand what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who's dying in front of you.  It's a constant battle of being grateful and feeling guilty and walking in quicksand.... mired in sadness.

I'm always tired.  It's a combination of things. Not sleeping through the night.  Getting to bed late / up really early.  But it's more than that.

The emotional toll wears me down.  It's not an active thing. I'm not sure I can even describe it?

I do get tired lifting up Luther or getting him dressed.  But that doesn't happen all the time. So it's not like when you get tired from doing physical things.  Instead, it's this slow wearing down.

Either I tuck away these feelings about my husband having a terminal illness and just forget about it so I can make it through the day.  If I - like I am now - think about it, it's too much.  It's like waves crashing over me.  I feel scared and hollow.

You don't, though, go through the day thinking about it or I'd be a complete mess.  Instead, I'm just a little mess!  So what do you do?  Bury the feelings?  Take them out every so often and face them?

It's a lose lose.  If I keep the feelings on the surface, I'm overwhelmed.  If I hide them away, I can go through the motions but they eventually catch up with me and send me in to full out hide-under-the-covers mode.

I see a therapist on a weekly basis.  That helps.  I get to lay out the confusion, the anger, the uncertainty and he sets me back on course.  Sometimes I just sit and cry for 1/2 hour.

I write here.  That helps me sort through things.

Mostly, I face this head on.  I don't tuck away the feelings.  Maybe I put them in my purse and carry them around!!  Every so often, I'm guilty of eating my feelings and that's a bummer.  A row of Oreos later, I realize I'm trying to fill up some sad hole in my heart.  That's when I get up and hug Luther.

Is it fair for me to spend so much time pondering?  There are kids who are sick.  People living with chronic illness.  Wives in my situation who still have to work because they can't afford to stay home. People in far away places born in to terrible circumstances.

Am I lucky?  How do I put these things in perspective?  Each time I have a negative feeling, must I think someone else has it worse than me in order to feel better?

I don't know the answer.  Maybe I flip that last statement. Each time I have a negative feeling, I MUST think about all the good things I have in my life.  Quite often, I do that. It's important to do that.

I have love.  I am afforded this time to stay at home and spend time with Luther.  I have an amazing support system from my family and friends.

I've been sad and tired this last couple of weeks and now that Luther's laying low, recovering, I've had this time on my hands.

I've run a million "shoulds" through my head: I should be doing more, I should be calling friends, I should be getting out more.... SHOULD  should be banned from our vocabulary.

Either do or don't and be content with the decision.  So, for the last week, I didn't. I hung out with Luther.  Slept. Thought about the future. Rubbed Luther's hands and feet.  And finally, I'm here. Ready to do.

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