Wednesday, September 9, 2015

four in the afternoon

Busy day.  Busy week.  Not used to busy anymore.  Lots of changes.  A little drama.  Am suddenly feeling the need to hibernate.

The changes aren't due to Luther - although he seem weaker, he's in a good holding pattern.  His breathing / swallowing hasn't changed for six months and that's AWESOME.

Isn't it always about me?  This blog, this angst.  I feel guilty about that.

Thank God I don't have ALS, right? Always this overriding sense of get happier,  Find the bright side.   A little Monty Python, if you care to click:

I'm sitting outside after a long day.  It's really nice out.  I have this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to go in the house.  I want to stay right here.  OUTSIDE.  Feeling a light breeze. Sunny but not hot.  Quiet.  Peaceful.  Just me.  I don't want to go in.

I go to therapy and suddenly with the Emily Program eating thing, I go to a lot of therapy.  What one of the therapists said is this how I'm going to feel.   Literally heavy in the physical sense AND the emotional sense.  She likened it to having a sliver.  It hurts like crazy as you poke and dig at it but once the dang thing comes out, relief!!

She said therapy is poking, digging, prodding in to uncomfortable things.  It will hurt for a time.  It's new feelings, unfamiliar situations.  How can it not produce feelings of anxiety and uncertainty?

I liked that analogy.  I get way too consumed with guilt.  It lifted that burden and made me think I needed to cut me and even Ed some slack.

Life is really slow these days.  Different.  It's ok.  I don't have to be out there pulling myself up by my bootstraps or living each day like it's our last.  We can enjoy this slow time, enjoy each other, do a crossword puzzle, hang out on the patio.

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