I can't even imagine being weak in our situation -- Ed is the strongest man I know. His will to live, his positive attitude, his character - they all add up to this disciplined, strong man I fell in love with. In my eyes, his strength has grown so much.
I've found my own wells of strength. A side of me I didn't know I had. Ed's advocate, protector, finding the balance between wife and caregiver.
That being said, these proverbs really hit home.
You hear the phrase "let it go" all the time. Just let it go. How do you do that? How do you let go of feelings that hit you so strong? I feel so many insanely powerful feelings about Ed, about ALS, about my role as a caregiver. How do I just let go of those??
The other cliche that gets to me is "God will never give you anything more than you can handle." This is totally untrue. UNTRUE!!! This slow death of Ed, watching from the sidelines as he deteriorates. It IS more than I can handle. The thing is, because it's more than I can handle, I turn to God to help. It's brought me peace to admit I can't handle this and ask for help.
The idea I can grow strong in weakness feels itchy! Uncomfortable. I am woman, hear me roar! I can handle this!
Most of the time, I can. In those moment I cannot, I realize it's ok to be weak. To ask God, my family, my friends for help. To let down the wall of "nothing can hurt me" and allow more love and support in my life - that's a really good thing.
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Donate here to our ALS Walk! All of the money goes to the ALS Guardian Angels - a non-profit run by one guy who takes no salary. The money then goes to people affected by ALS to help with bills, equipment, support. So much of the money raised (think Ice Bucket challenge!) goes to research or education. Which is awesome! Ed and I feel strongly people need immediate help due to the financial burden ALS puts on families. Click the link and help, if you can. Thanks!
https://www.crowdrise.com/flying-squirrels-for-ed
Yes! Growing strong in weakness every day! This is way more than I can handle. If my God and the spirits of those I have loved and lost, along with friends and loved ones were not alongside me I could not get through one single day.
ReplyDeleteHugs.