Sunday, December 1, 2013

My heart cracked

My boyfriend, Luther, is awesome.   Smart, goofy, mellow, patient bordering on saintly.  Plus he really digs me which is a huge bonus.

We haven't known each other long in the scheme of things:  two years this March.  We met online.  An internet love story.

I am your typical Minnesotan.  If someone says, "hey!  It's a nice day today!"  a Minnesotan's response is:  "you betcha, but didn't you hear it's going to snow?"   We can never let things just *BE*.  We can't savor the now, the present, a moment of happiness because right around the corner is something that forces us to buck up or hunker down.  We're a hearty lot... always pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps, shaking it off and putting one foot in front of the other.

Luther, on the other hand, is a typical southern boy.  A good 'ole southern boy.  Check him out!  He's Colonel Sanders good lookin' cousin!  General Sherman.  He should be sipping bourbon on a porch someplace warm.  Nothing phases him.  He is somewhat amused by my chicken little, sky is falling neuroses.  He waits patiently by the door as I scurry about looking for my missing shoe, my wallet, my lipstick.

At times, this disparity between mind-sets infuriates me.  I've mistaken his zen cool for apathy.  I've begged him to be more emotional, more communicative, more open.  Then I have to take a step back and think, really?  Do I want to be in a relationship with someone like me??  Nightmare.  We'd never get anywhere on time.

I can't say we're a yin/yang thing.  That implies some kind of awesome interconnected spiritual couple.  I'm a handful.  He's really quiet.  It's hard work meeting each other in the middle.

Dealing with this ALS diagnoses has put a spot light on our differences in the way we view things.  He's been even more quiet.  I can't even describe his attitude because there isn't one.  Avoidance?  Denial?  Is this a stage of grief?  Grieving his mobility, his future, his life?

We haven't really talked about any of this.  I've brought up a few things:  traveling, bucket lists, when he can't move, how do I pay his bills?  Last night, I asked him what he needed from me.  His reply:  He needs me to touch him more.

My heart cracked and I felt a little light shining through the cracks... I realized in that moment I love him and I will take myself out of this morose, stuck place in order to make the rest of his life full of affection and happiness and as much joy as possible.

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