We haven't known each other long in the scheme of things: two years this March. We met online. An internet love story.
I am your typical Minnesotan. If someone says, "hey! It's a nice day today!" a Minnesotan's response is: "you betcha, but didn't you hear it's going to snow?" We can never let things just *BE*. We can't savor the now, the present, a moment of happiness because right around the corner is something that forces us to buck up or hunker down. We're a hearty lot... always pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps, shaking it off and putting one foot in front of the other.
Luther, on the other hand, is a typical southern boy. A good 'ole southern boy. Check him out! He's Colonel Sanders good lookin' cousin! General Sherman. He should be sipping bourbon on a porch someplace warm. Nothing phases him. He is somewhat amused by my chicken little, sky is falling neuroses. He waits patiently by the door as I scurry about looking for my missing shoe, my wallet, my lipstick.
At times, this disparity between mind-sets infuriates me. I've mistaken his zen cool for apathy. I've begged him to be more emotional, more communicative, more open. Then I have to take a step back and think, really? Do I want to be in a relationship with someone like me?? Nightmare. We'd never get anywhere on time.
I can't say we're a yin/yang thing. That implies some kind of awesome interconnected spiritual couple. I'm a handful. He's really quiet. It's hard work meeting each other in the middle.
Dealing with this ALS diagnoses has put a spot light on our differences in the way we view things. He's been even more quiet. I can't even describe his attitude because there isn't one. Avoidance? Denial? Is this a stage of grief? Grieving his mobility, his future, his life?
We haven't really talked about any of this. I've brought up a few things: traveling, bucket lists, when he can't move, how do I pay his bills? Last night, I asked him what he needed from me. His reply: He needs me to touch him more.
My heart cracked and I felt a little light shining through the cracks... I realized in that moment I love him and I will take myself out of this morose, stuck place in order to make the rest of his life full of affection and happiness and as much joy as possible.