Waiting to get oil changed. Mundane weekend things. It's a weird place, at times, to be... well, wait. Not the oil change place! But this space in my head. My guy is dying and I'm hanging out in the oil change place.
How do you "live each day like it's his last" or "dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today" when you have to get the oil changed?
Life marches on, doesn't it? At times, I get bogged down with the weight of it all: death, coping, working, oil changes. Mostly though, both Luther and I just go with the flow of each day.
We don't dance as if no one is looking or sing as if no one's listening. I still have to do laundry, he has forms to fill out, we (try) to figure out what's next and then usually end up watching tv.
I operate these days with more intent. Remember the whole "be present" trend? Oprah stuff. Buddha-isms: Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind in the present moment.
This means I try to be deliberate with what I say, with how I am around Luther. So often, I find myself reacting to a situation - I'm tired and I don't want to get him undressed and pull up the covers or whatever it is I'm asked to do because he can't do it.
We all have that five second rule when food drops on the ground... we'll eat that mcnugget that fell on the floor if we pick it up within five seconds, right? We all should apply that to the words that come out of our mouth. Wait five seconds before you reply. In my case, I have to wait five seconds before I decide to roll my eyes, too. I have a horrible poker face. Like taking 10 minutes once a week to help him fill his pill thing-a-ma-jig is such a chore. Sometimes it feels like it is. But I just say sure and roll my eyes internally...
Time is a funny thing, isn't it?