Friday, May 9, 2014

giving up - letting go

I've been trying so hard to control everything that I end up controlling nothing.  I've been on the proverbial hamster wheel and I'm always amazed when I end up in the exact same place I started.

So much of this illness leaves us in limbo.  I suppose it's that way for every illness.  It's a hard way to live. When do his legs go?  When does he stop swallowing, talking?   How do we prepare for that?   When do we move?

What I've decided is to just stop.  Stop thinking, stop worrying, stop micro managing.  It doesn't mean I can't make wise choices or continue planning.  But I can only plan for what I know.  What I see happening. I'm going to leave the rest up to Luther and to the Vets Hospital.

I actually felt this huge sense of relief roll off me.  I was at lunch today, thinking about this, sitting in a booth by myself and I started crying.  It felt good to cry, to release this tension of the unknown.

I keep going back to the idea that each day should be a good one.  A happy one.  Not worrying about the what if, the sadness or scariness.  We're so fortunate to have the support of friends and family and of the Vets.

I have the weekend off and am looking forward to hanging out with my guy.

1 comment:

  1. I think like you Lynn, always trying to prepare but sometimes we just can't. One of the best things I ever heard was "take life on lifes terms". Now if only I could put that into practice regularly!

    Just one thing though Lynn, for YOU. Do you have someone you feel like you can call if you end up in a restaurant crying and just feel too alone? Sounds like your family is fabulous and you have the love of many friends, but I know that you can end up anyway feeling really alone in unusually rough situations anyway. It can be like watching everyone else go on with "normal" and you have your nose up against the glass. I know. So please never hesitate to reach out.