I know this is happening. My boyfriend is dying. Slowly. Maybe fast. I don't really know anymore. I guess it happens in little increments before my eyes. I just see it more clearly every once in a while and it's devastating.
It's hard to describe. It opens me up so raw and wide, the feeling is so unfamiliar. I've never had kids so I don't know that unconditional love feeling which I think is probably the same. I guess I have that for my family. With a child, though, I imagine their pain is yours. Their joys are yours.
Tonight, we went for a little walk around the townhouse. We walked up and around, not too far. But it was too far. I haven't seen this before. His frailty. I've accepted the fact he can no longer put his arms around me to hold me, to hold me up. But this - these small steps, slow steps, the way he leaned in on me and watched the ground as he walked.
It was all I could do not to melt down right there. We were talking about something - the weather? painting the deck? I can't even remember. I just remember trying to keep the conversation moving, light, happy.
I don't want my boyfriend to die. I don't want him to have this ugly, ugly death. How can I be strong enough to hold the both of us up?
I will be. This is just a moment. I love Luther so much I only want him to be happy and I want to take this all away for him and I want these frail moments to feel ok, that it's ok for me to hold him up now.