Monday, May 26, 2014


I know this is happening.  My boyfriend is dying.  Slowly. Maybe fast.  I don't really know anymore.  I guess it happens in little increments before my eyes.  I just see it more clearly every once in a while and it's devastating.

It's hard to describe.  It opens me up so raw and wide, the feeling is so unfamiliar.  I've never had kids so I don't know that unconditional love feeling which I think is probably the same.  I guess I have that for my family.  With a child, though, I imagine their pain is yours.  Their joys are yours.

Tonight, we went for a little walk around the townhouse.  We walked up and around, not too far.  But it was too far.  I haven't seen this before.  His frailty.  I've accepted the fact he can no longer put his arms around me to hold me, to hold me up.  But this - these small steps, slow steps, the way he leaned in on me and watched the ground as he walked.

It was all I could do not to melt down right there.  We were talking about something - the weather?  painting the deck?  I can't even remember.  I just remember trying to keep the conversation moving, light, happy.

I don't want my boyfriend to die.  I don't want him to have this ugly, ugly death.  How can I be strong enough to hold the both of us up?

I will be.  This is just a moment.  I love Luther so much I only want him to be happy and I want to take this all away for him and I want these frail moments to feel ok, that it's ok for me to hold him up now.

Grieving sucks.

1 comment:

  1. I know this is so not what you planned on, I know this process has to be horrific but there is this one thing: You are helping someone you love through a very difficult thing. You are being something to him, doing something for him that no one else will share in the way you are. If this is terrible for him, what would it be without you? Back in my days of doing hospice care, I use to think about how it was an honor to help someone through that part of their lives. I KNOW it's not the same as with the love of your life, god... Anyway, more hugs to you. You are a hero and a Goddess.