Saturday, October 25, 2014

Things I miss. Things I used to take for granted. Things I try harder to keep in my life that I used to take for granted, so I don't miss them anymore...

I started making a list of things I miss but that was too sad.  One is having the option to sleep in the same bed as my husband.

I just tucked him in.  He has a hospital (twin) bed that continuously moves; I guess once he's in bed most of the time, this prevents sores.

We live in a 3 level townhome right now and he's in the basement.  That's his 500 square foot world.

Our room was up on the very top but now, we never use that.  I sleep on the couch on the middle level so I can hear him.

Truthfully, I slept on the couch a lot when we were able to sleep together.  I don't have the option to join him anymore unless it's a quick snuggle.  Maneuvering in a twin bed is tricky.

He goes to bed really late.  Before, he used to be able to get in to bed by himself.  Now, I have to pull up the covers.  If the covers come off him, he can't get them back up.  :(  

Luther can't reach out and touch me anymore.  No hugs.  No holding hands.  We don't have a couch or loveseat downstairs so we don't sit together.  He's in his chair, I'm in mine.  Edith and Archie-like.

At times, I actually have to remind myself to touch Luther.  Think about it.  Your day flies by and have you made any human contact??  Hugged your kid?  Held hands with your partner?  Simply reached out and touched someone's arm as you talked?

What if, one day, the person you are in love with couldn't touch you anymore?   Would you regret not being more affectionate?

So I've been stepping up my display of affection game, which is actually a little difficult.  I hang out with a group of friends who love to hug.  I am not a hugger.  Well, wasn't a hugger.  At least now, I don't stand, arms stick straight at my side while someone attempts to hug me.  I've gotten a little more gumby like, more flexible and actually do a 1/2 hug back.

With Luther, I have to lift him up out of his chair every so often and I like wrapping my arms around him, giving him a bear hug.  It's hard sometimes to lift him up.  But once we're both up, I take that extra time to lean in to him, just be with him for a minute. Sometimes I take his arms - heavy and awkward - and put them over my shoulders so he can hug me back.

Usually when I brush his teeth, it's pretty utilitarian.  Get 'r done.  Brushing someone's teeth is a pretty intimate act.  I don't particularly like to do it and I'm guessing he doesn't either.  More and more though, I remind myself to slow down, rub his arms, give him a smooch.

It's those things you take for granted when you have them.  Like always making sure we slept in the same bed together, which I didn't always want to do when we could because I was too hot or he snored or I got jimmy legs.

I miss the snuggle.  Touching toes in the middle of the night to make sure he's there.  The little things that keep you connected.

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