3:22 am - can't sleep. There's nothing crazy or scary on my mind. Just one of those nights.
Talking to Luther earlier tonight, we agreed that he's been in a holding pattern for a while. Things are good. Is it calm before the storm? Don't get too comfy.... who knows what ALS monster lurks around the corner?
I can't even drum up a little angst, though. I'm so happy to have this time with Luther. I've cut back my hours at work and it's been a treat to be home with him.
I do not cook. I'll rephrase: I haven't cooked. For years, it's been Lynn, party of one. Popcorn was dinner.
Today I actually took a list to the grocery store!! Is this what people do!? I wrote the page numbers down from the cookbook so I'd remember what recipe to go back to.
Now I have this time on my hands, I've turned in to this "what's for breakfast/lunch/dinner" chick. I've turned in to my Grandma! Constantly thinking about the next meal. And all these dishes! What's with that? Dishpan hands.
It's all good. Although Luther's not always super excited to be on the end of the my cooking experiments, I'm pretty sure he's happy to be eating together, hanging out more. I'm less the robot caregiver, rushing to work, rushing home after a nine hour day just to tuck him in bed. Now, I get to be his wife.
Haha! I was going to say girlfriend!! So much has changed over the last year. Luther's given me so much. For such a long time, I questioned Luther's character, I was unsure we were a good match, I didn't trust him. What I realized is that I didn't trust myself. I didn't want to be in love with someone who was so different than me. And later, as we tried to figure out what was wrong with him, I didn't want to be in love with someone who was sick.
I was fighting pretty hard to keep this wall around my heart so I'd never be hurt but Luther just chipped away, sad little brick by brick. He's always here, he's so steady and even-keeled and open-hearted. Luther's keeping me steady and he's finally created a little space in that wall and it feels really really good.
As much as I hate that he's sick and he'll be taken from me sooner than we planned, everything that's happened has changed me so much and I think in a good way.
Sure, I'd give a jillion bucks to go back and have him healthy and me still a little walled up. Luther would've eventually chipped those bricks down; it just would've taken a little longer. But here we are. I know there will be tough days ahead but I don't look down that road. Instead, right now, at 4 in the morning, I feel grateful and happy and a little bit lighter with Luther in my life.